Carlos Mencia: German?

(Photo thanks to ytmnd.com)

Carlos Mencia should not exist. He is the most un-funny stand up "comedian" ever. He gets off on making racist jokes and saying "beaner" and "retard" every thirty seconds. He's even referenced boning his own sister. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this dude? He is ethnic garbage, and steals jokes more than he makes up his own. I am not sure, but I don't think he got the memo that jokes about rednecks getting killed by tractors and mexicans eating salsa just aren't that funny. Never really have been. He is horrible at every impression that he does, which absolutely defeats the purpose of an impression, am I right?

Anyways, on top of not being funny, and over-emphasizing that he is Mexican, he has been accused of recycling jokes and being more German than Mexican. And, I heard his name isn't really Carlos. Who knows. Or better yet, who cares.

He was publicly outed when Joe Rogan called him out for being a phony, and produced some proof that he had been recylcing jokes. WHAT a loser.

It won't be long before people stop having so much patience with this dumbass and someone kicks his racist ass. Making fun of starving kids in Honduras??? Really, Carlos Mencia?? SO not funny. Douche.

Carlos Mencia needs to take his little comic routine and get out of the spotlight. And while he's at it, he can take Dane Cook with him. :-)

Ashlee Simpson: Tone Deaf Horse Face.

(Photo thanks to makeuptalk.com)
Let's face it, we all know someone who looks like a horse. Ashlee Simpson is that girl for me. She sounds like one too. However this didn't stop some jerkoff from giving her a record deal, did it? Of course not! One for you, one for you..and you...and sure why the fuck not? YOU TOO! That must have been how it went down. Ashlee Simpson showed up on free-record-deal day. That is the only way this insanity could have come about.

Ashlee Simpson lived in the shadow of her famous sister, Jessica. Ashlee definitely got the shit end of the stick because she looked nothing like her blond, talented bombshell sister who could really sing her ass off. Nope, Ashlee was gifted with a donkey voice. She was pursuing ballet when Jessica became famous, and quit after she probably realized ballet would never make her as famous as her sister.

What did she do? She did what everyone does when they want to be famous, appeared in several episodes of 7th Heaven; a retarded "feel-good" family show where the acting sucks like a hoover. She got her name out by doing this, and it wasn't long until all of our ears started ringing when "Pieces of Me" started playing on the radio. Ashlee's first hit single was irritating at best, but the real shit show began when she performed on Saturday Night Live.

As the musical guest for this particular Saturday, I'm sure she was pretty excited. However no one was excited as I was when she did a retarded jig off the stage after she was busted for lip-syncing. "I had laryngitis! I couldn't sing!" Waa, waa, waa, Ashlee. Cry me a river, build a bridge, and then jump off of it.

So after she became the laughing stock of the media, Ashlee sort of slowed down on the singing deal. Thank God. Next she took her chances with plastic surgery. She actually looks a thousand times better post-surgery than she did before. She looks more like her sister, and a little less like a gremlin boy going through puberty.
Kudos on the surgery, Ashlee, just don't sing again.

The last thing Ashlee has done in an attempt to hang onto her fame is getting knocked up by another loser Pete Wentz. He's the kind of guy that cares more about his hair then his son, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. But, with a name like that, I don't know that I blame him all that much.

What is wrong with Ashlee Simpson?? Doesn't she know her kid is gonna get picked on like the ginger kid on the football team? She's an idiot. She thinks she's alternative for giving her kid a retarded name, but really it just reflects on her skills..or lack their of as a mother or as a competent human being.

Be gone, Ashlee Simpson, you AND your gross voice.

Dr. Phil: Creepy Douche.

You're Fat! Don't try and sugar coat it, 'cause you'll eat that too!)
Thanks, asshole.
(Photo Thanks to http://www.schiesshouse.com/medicalhumor_files/image001.jpg)


I hate Dr. Phil. I always have. He is obnoxious and has that holier than thou type of mentality. He spends all of his pathetic life telling others what they are doing wrong when he's the biggest loser I've ever seen. Why would anyone take this asshole's advice? He's a balding creep with a caterpillar moustache who is literally the seventh ugliest person on planet earth.

Dr. Phil has become famous by leeching off of Oprah Winfrey. He used to appear on her show probably once a week to give the most obvious marriage advice. After a while, he got his own show and I lost all faith in television. His shiny dome sits on a chair and tells emotionally weak people the most obvious answers to all of their woes. His pocket is growing larger and I am becoming more irritated. I could have Dr. Phil's job and spit straight bullshit into the minds of Americans, and I would look a lot less hideous while doing so. Fuck, man.

I don't even want to get into how annoying his voice is. He's a dumb, monotonous prick who can't stop talking and acting like he has all of the answers to every problem that can possibly arise in a marriage. I'd like to ask his wife a few questions. The first one is in regards to how she allows him to have sex with her, and the second is why she is still married to this scrotum sack named Phil. I hope his wife leaves him so more people can see what a hoax his idiotic show really is.

His show is nothing but a way for him to launch self-help books and loads of other bullshit. If the people on his show can't come up with the most basic solutions that he gives them, then they don't deserve to have their problems fixed. If you're having communication problems, then fucking talk more, Sherlock!

I didn't even want to post a picture of Dr. Phil because I feel like his beady little eyes are invading my privacy and luring me into buying one of his dumb shit books, but I did anyway so that all of you can agree that he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on his way down.

Kevin Federline: Baby Daddy.

K-Fed is such a moron. He definitely shouldn't be famous, and the only reason he is famous is for fertilizing some eggs. He is the ex-boyfriend and baby daddy to Shar Jackson, an actress who was on the show Moesha, but really became famous when he went from being a back up dancer for Britney Spears, to the father of her two children. He is a male gold-digger. He impregnanted Miss Spears not once, but twice. That's like making the same mistake twice. (For Britney). Obviously if he had no problem scooting out on Shar, things may not be so different even if you are Britney Spears.

K-Fed also gave the rap world a try. He entered with guns blazin' and spittin to beats like in his single PopoZao. I'm not going to try to explain it. Just watch.

Ugggghhhhh, awful. I literally feel embarrassed for this jackass.

Conveniently for K-fed, Britney went all crazy bitch and shaved her hair off and attacked some paparazzi with an umbrella (NO BIG DEAL), so he looked like the normal parent when it came time for their break up. He ended up with custody of the kids, which is probably the first brag-worthy accomplishment of his sad, sad life.

These days, thankfully K-Fed has moved on from trying to rap and is clinging to the spotlight by appearing on Celebrity Fit Club. I'm just glad he knows he's fat now, so that I don't have to be the bearer of bad news. He went from a very fit dancer's body to a "i don't care that it's 10 a.m., I want a philly cheese steak and beer" body. Good thing he's trying to address that.

Good Luck, Kevin! I hope you lose so many LB's that you disappear all together. ;-)

New York: 'Nuff Said.

(Photo thanks to Buddytv.com)


Who likes New York? The answer is no one. There is absolutely no reason why this obnoxious piece of trash should get any attention whatsoever.

She became "famous" on the Vh1 show Flavor of Love starring none other than Flavor Flaaaav himself. So automatically she's a joke. Flavor Flav didn't like her birth-given name Tiffany Pollard, along with the other hoes, so he renamed them all profound names like "Bubbles", and "Buck-Wild". Ahh, very intellectually stimulating. Out of all the ridiculous gold-digging girls on the show, New York was most definitely the worst. As most reality show actors are, New York was obviously trying to do whatever would make her stand out, so she slept with that disgusting bag of bones, Flavor Flav. GROSS.

As painful as it was watching her one BOTH seasons of Flavor of Love, Vh1 apparently thought we asked for more. They brought her back with the spinoff reality shows I Love New York, I Love New York 2, New York Goes to Hollywood, and New York Goes to Work. Really? I had enough of this chick after one episode of her sucking face with Flavor Flav. In fact, the only time I enjoyed watching her in the slightest was when "Punkin" (another piece of reality show trash) spit in her face, and when "Buck-Wild" (yes...buck-wild) threw a shoe at her huge dome piece.

Why would Vh1 put her in any shows at all? She's a horrible actress, even for a reality show. She made me turn off the tv on several occasions, and definitely made me steer clear from Vh1. This was obviously for ratings. Unfortunately, the series premiere of the first season of her show was actually the highest rated premiere of a reality show on Vh1, ever. Yeah, ever. How is this possible? You guys are all sick. I know I wasn't helping her ratings.

The network also accomplished another amazing feat; being host to the longest kiss in reality tv history! The winners??? Miss Tiffany "New York" Pollard, and none other than...say it with me, people....FLAAAAVORRR FLAAAAVV!! If that doesn't make you lose your breakfast, I'm all out of ideas. Thats a whole lot of spit swapping that I want to know nothing about. I want no part of that.

Tiffany also self proclaimed herself to be the H.B.I.C. on Flavor of Love. This stands for the Head Bitch In Charge. She's smart too!!

Anyways, the moral of the story here is that you can become rich for doing absolutely jack shit. You can have a piercing voice and sleep with old rapper-men who are obsessed with chanting their own name, and be involved in a few bitch fights and you will be golden. You can also annoy the shit out of everyone in the world and still get casted for a THIRD season of I Love New York. Yep, there is a third season coming out. I'm just as upset as you are. This is what we have to look forward to?

I am highly considering offing myself before this can happen.

Michael Lohan: Desperate Deadbeat.

(Photo thanks to celebritysmackblog.com)


Michael Lohan, why do you deserve to be famous?? You just got out of prison and you don't pay your child support! Obviously your ex wife and her two daughters are hot messes, but why should you gain fame over your daughter's life spiraling out of control?? We get it, Lindsay needs help. We didn't need your dumbass to tell us that.

Michael Lohan has taken it upon himself several times to reach out to the public to tell them that his fire-crotch daughter Lindsay Lohan needs help. Thanks, Michael, I couldn't tell by the mug-shots and posession charges plastered all over the newsstands. Idiot. Second of all, what the hell kind of help is that going to give to her? By telling the whole world how screwed up his PUBLICLY screwed up daughter is, he is doing nothing but probably pissing her off, and acting as a trigger for her to go score some more coke.

How am I supposed to help Lindsay Lohan? Why would I try? I have enough problems of my own. Oh, thanks for the heads up, Michael, I'm gonna go hop on a fuckin plane sraight to LA and personally throw your ginger kid's freckly ass right into rehab.

My Goddddd.

Michael Lohan is the most obnoxious man. He's spent much of Lindsay's childhood in the slammer, and feels that it's completely appropriate for him to publicly make statements not about how he is going to help his daughter, but how everybody else should. Shut up, Michael, you're a hypocrite.

Also, what's up with him hanging out with Jon Gosselin?? Jon, if you're trying to hold your own in your divorce battle, you should probably get the fuck away from Michael Lohan. Even though he isn't as decked out in Ed Hardy as you, he is a much bigger douchebag. Nobody wants to see Michael rubbing off on Jon. Next thing we know, Jon will be telling the world to help Mady with her new heroin addiction. Don't even get me started on the child support Jon would have to pay. He'd have to give up his whole Ed Hardy wardrobe to pay for one week!

Anyways, the point is that Michael Lohan should step back, and shut up. He wasn't involved in Lindsay's life before she publicly messed up, so why should he chime in now? The best help she can get is if your dumbass shuts up, and lets her get help quietly.

Go away, Michael Lohan.

Speidi: Double the Trouble.

(Photos "thanks" to Google Images)


Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are losers. They became famous thanks to the no-talent Mtv show The Hills, which is basically a show about spoiled alcoholic 23 year-olds partying their asses off in Hollywood. It's weekly 23 minutes are filled mostly with the spoiled snots making facial expressions based on who is hooking up with who, while alternative music plays in the background. Nobody has very deep conversations, probably because they aren't smart enough to speak about anything other than Grey Goose vodka and who Brody Jenner is sleeping with. Riveting.

Heidi and Spencer clearly were not satisfied with the amount of publicity they received from the show alone, which explains why they are always doing everything in their power to show up on tv and annoying the piss out of everyone forced to witness. If you are trying to avoid these two, just not watching their dumb show will not cut it. Both of them have put out singles and are trying to push their "singing" careers. Spencer actually tries to rap. I should actually be thanking him for giving me such a good laugh. It's like listening to the biggest douchebag in the universe have verbal diarrhea. Heidi also performed on the 2009 Miss Universe contest, singing her hit single "Body Language" which sucked even though she lip synced the entire thing. Her dancing was also laughable. Someone should break the news to them that they weren't meant for singing. Or acting. Or speaking at all.

After season five of The Hills ended last summer, they have been hard up for their fix of publicity. This is probably why 24 year-old Heidi underwent some nip and tuck, to get the paparazzi chasing after her. However she went a little too far. A few weeks ago Heidi got a nose job, a boob job, an eyebrow lift, fat injections in her lips, work on her back (this exists?), botox in her forehead and frown area, fat injections in her cheeks, chin reduction (whaaat??), liposuction on her neck, thighs, and waist, got her ears pinned back, and wait for it...wait for it.....a butt job. A butt job, people! What the fuck is wrong with this girl??? She actually got ass implants to get a bigger butt. I don't know who is to blame here; the media, Hollywood, Heidi, fame, or her creepy husband Spencer Pratt.

It is amusing to make fun of her for being such a psychopath but it's actually pretty sad that a perfectly healthy 24 year-old felt that she needed all of that work done. If this was an attempt to appear on magazine covers, she was successful. She was also successful in making the entire world think she is out of her fucking tree. She wasn't hideous before the surgery, but now she looks like Michael Jackson or Joan Rivers.

It's only a matter of time before Speidi makes their next big splash in the pool of Lameville. It's too bad they can't sit back and spend their money on normal things and enjoy the life they have "earned". They may annoy the shit out of us, but they are indeed maintaining the spotlight and are the topic of conversation for many magazines and media news stories. It's only a matter of time before they come out with something more outrageous than this. I wonder when Spencer is getting his ass augmentation.